How in the world do you downsize while grieving? This is a subject dear to my heart, because when in a grief situation, I wanted to DO something. I wanted to CHANGE something. Wanted to MOVE, to get away from reality, to ACT…. I wanted to manifest the inward change I felt and make it tangible in outward life. And that change is outward of course, and usually involves property and objects.
I remember leaving a fabulous house in San Diego that I built—and discarding so many objects, in an effort to free myself from grief. But objects are not the grief, but they are closely associated with grief.
People who advocate for downsizing immediately after a terrible loss say, “Make the loss complete:” Get rid of those memories.
The flaw in this argument is that the memories are attached to certain objects, but the objects, once gone, may not eradicate the grief. It’s the very PROOF that objects contain symbolism that the industry of “downsizing” has arisen. Yes, there is truth to that, but also a fallacy.
I read on various websites that offer tips to grieving people, that downsizing can signal to yourself a decision to move FROM a difficult transition in life. I read that downsizing can be another reminder of why YOU YOURSELF downsize. Because you are grieving, the compulsion when faced with some news that is horrific, is to DO SOMETHING. Many people think about their material possessions, JUST BECAUSE they harbor memories.
My advice goes against the norm: WAIT.
There is no good reason that when going thought a tragedy that possessions HAVE to be DEALT with; they can wait, if you have the means to do so. And you might not be the only one coping with loss: children, grown children might be thinking of their own struggle, and they do not want to deal with the objects.
OK. That’s valid. YET, I’ve been an appraiser for 40 years, and I’ve heard from grown children how much they LEARNED from going through a household. They didn’t want to, they didn’t have the time, but they learned something. That ‘something’ is called in other cultures a “rite of passage.” Because they have done so, they are NOW the elders….
My aunt vowed to me NOT to discard, downsize, streamline, for her kids. She said, and she’s 89, that she did her job, and now it’s her grown kids and grandchildren’s and great grandchildren’s time. I offered to evaluate her estate. She said NO, let them do it. I kind of like that SPUNK.
It is now politically correct to say to grieving people of a certain age that they have to smooth the path of the grown kids. I understand that certain fears apply: the grown kids will not KNOW HOW MUCH an object may be worth.
Don’t feel pressure while grieving, to get those objects gone. Ask someone like me and have a document to prove value. And sit tight.
Some non-PC issues to blame on me:
Unless you MUST, because of money, I doubt downsizing improves the quality of life, as is so often claimed.- If you’re grieving, in a stressful situation, why add another layer to your grief, and why let the time duration various people tell you to ACT IN be the determinate of HOW you should grieve?
- Many websites say downsizing should be part of the grieving process. WHY? For the very reason that objects hold memories? Seems counterintuitive to me. Objects DO hold memories, but so do YOU.
So, now you know my position, and I will suggest one good piece of advice. Take out your wallet. Hire a company that helps you pack, determines value, finds storage, hires movers. NOT CHEAP. But make sure this company has your interests at heart, because the sale of the materials determines their fee. They should be aware of YOUR needs in a difficult time. Ask yourself when interviewing companies that help downsize: if my plate is already full, and I will pay your company, will this effort make my plate fuller, and me less solvent? You can always wait if you have the means and the time….
Other advice says:
“feel good about donating to charity,” OK…that’s good. But this negates the fine line between what you can deduct on your tax return vs what you can sell objects for. Charities resell, and so can you, but the question is when? When do you feel good about donating, or when do you feel good about reselling?
And that is your POWER….. YOU get to make that decision if you have the funds to do so.
General advice I find is to “embrace the change.” WHAT? Who among us gladly embraced a loss in our family?
Final word on Grieving:
Wading through grief myself I felt the compulsion to DO SOMETHING. That result? The jury is OUT. I suggest avoiding major dilemmas, although Action is what you might want.
Another word of advice from the internet: “Compartmentalize your grief.” Yet the compartment is often Property and OBJECTS. The REAL compartment is in YOU…So, if you need to store objects until you can COPE, do it. Let them set. They will be there, although you pay for the storage, when you get to them.
No matter what your choice, YOU have the power to Choose.